~ If you are a Mom This might be hard to read~

Well I can not sleep tonight so let me tell you about what i see everytime I close my eyes this might be a long one but HOPEFULLY it will make me feel a little better. now lets travel back 4 years,Mind you this is what is playing in my head over and over and over again as i lay in bed tonight.

July 4, 2002

My Baby Emmy was with my mom for the night while I sat with my son trying to keep him awake enough to watch the fire works on T.V. It was hard to do he was so tired and weak. We watched together as the fire works boomed and inrique inglesias sang Hero HE would call my name and enjoy the sound and sight then start to dose off then he would call for me again and start over the process. If I only knew what was soon to come. The fire works ended about 10pm and his Daddy went home with his family while the ICU nurses brought my a chair to sleep in.

I walked over to my baby and kissed him goodnight which he was already asleep, curled up in the chair and off i went onto a deep exsausted sleep.

July 5, 2002

I woke up in the morning went to my baby to say good morning but I could not help but wonder why he was still sleeping. He was not responding to me. I paged the nurse. She sat me down to explain that somewhere between 10:30 and 11pm he has slipped into a coma. I was angry I asked why I was not woken up but they said I was non responsive they think it was from exsaution you see we started this visit with an operation on the first and now we were in the ICU 3 days later.

Hours had passed and I watched him litterally struggling to take every breath all Of his dactors and even old nurses came in to let me know "Mam there is nothing else we can do for you little boy. You might want to consider calling a priest"

What no medical miricals no common medical procedure. I had to watch my baby lay there and die at the precious age of 5. How do you do that.

So we called the priest and the rest of the family. When the Preist showed up they let us all go in there for the prayer of last rights. I think it is called that I am not catholic but his Daddy was.We all surronded his bad with the priest at the top by his head as soon as he annoited his head with oils my baby stopped breathing almost like he knew it was time to go home to his heavenly father. my heart stopped I was not ready yet I had so much more to say so many more places to take him. I could go on forever. the nurse brought him back during the prayer. I remember standing there watching the bag pushing air into his body and watching him try and resond to it. I have never felt so helpless.The sight I saw that moment will never leave I will not go into those detail I do not think I could.

It was now mine and his Daddy time with him so everybody went into the waiting room after saying their goodbyes and I love yous. One of the nurses knew our history And he had to sleep with me at night so I could help him roll over at night so she leaned in and said to me "Mom would you like to lay with your little boy" I of course said yes. She helped me move all of his tubes and IV's so I could fit in bed with him. I layed on his left side put my arm around him and wispered in his ear baby it is ok to go. Mommy understands stop fighting I do not want you to hurt anymore. I kissed him the nurse told us he had a couple of hours on the oxygen or minutes with out. I got out of his bed to talk to his Dad and we agreed that making him lay there and struggle with every breath until he finally was to tired was to hard on him and we asked the nurses to unhook ever thing. She silenced the machines so we would not hear him flat line. They did this I took him in my arms wrapped him in his bobby (which was his Fav. Blanket) Rocked him in my arms and sang to him his favorite song.

I lift my eyes up to the heavens where does my help come from my help comes from you maker of heaven my help comes form you maker of heaven maker of all the earth. oh how I need you lord you are my only hope your my only prayer. And I will wait for you to come and rescue me come and give me life.

As I sang this I Rocked him and cried then I thought to myself the dr. told us that they say they can still hear you. So I pulled it together I did not want the last thing he heard to be my broken heart. I watched and felt him take his last breath I saw the nurse say he was gone and the time was 5:47pm.

I continued to hold him and stroke his head which he loved and I continued to sing. I watched him turn blue and felt his body go limp in my arms. How do you put him down. How do you leave him there and never hold him again. I do not know how much time went by. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted a lock of his hair and his feet and hand prints so i said yes then I remember putting him downI dont remeber how i got outside to tell his Dad to pick him out a new outfit and then I drove myself home I lost the next few days. and Now it has been four years. YOu see my b-day is the 10th and I had to bury him on that day. so July in general is a hard month for me but Emmys bday is the 16 so always a good thing to celebrate

I ache sometime in my arms to hold him to hear his cry to look in his eyes and hear him laugh.I know he sent the Twins and steve to me to make me happy again.It had been so long since Ihad been happy when He died he took so much of me with him. Thank you God for also giving me Emmy she has been so awsome to love and watch grow.

I cherish every moment with my children. I take pictures of every little moment not wanting to forget a thing in the future. I appriciate every step my boys take and every once in awhile I go to the garage and look at his little wheelchair and remember him A little more then just a picture or two.

Thanks for letting me spill to you. It might help me sleep to get it off my chest I will post pics of our fourth later and some of the deco's i have made for Emmys party sat. hope everybody had a beautiful haliday.